Dare I say it outloud?

This isn’t a post about nutrition- it’s about something that has been stewing and brewing in my mind for the past few days and thought I would share it with my readers.

For as long as I could remember my mother would tell me that I needed to make sure I took care of myself- that meant not relying on anyone, especially a man to make the money or do anything. Can you imagine how she felt about stay at home mothers? She raised me to be an independent person and sometimes I feel it was in the wrong ways.

After my stepfather passed my whole life turned upside (including my mother’s and my sister’s) and the mom I used to know was no longer there. When I needed my mom to be my rock, she wasn’t there- literally. You grow up pretty quickly when you come home to a 6 bedroom house and no one is there but yourself and your dogs. I’m not making a pity party because there are many people who have/had it worse than I did but to be a teenager and have no kind of parental guidance or support, let alone live by yourself in a huge house for months at a time, can have an impact on you. I learned to become independent and most of all I learned to not rely on anyone for anything because well, my life depended on it. It was a matter of survival in my case and I had to do what was needed to make sure I had money for food and gas. From then on I became a fighter, didn’t depend on anyone and did my best to have control of every situation I was dealt with.

Anyway, I always felt this need and desire to do something great in life. I didn’t know what “great” meant but I knew I had to do something amazing. I would day dream about doing something big- maybe becoming a world known underwater cinematographer or writing a book that would change people’s lives. Hey a girl can dream right? My soul is deep and I cannot go on in life without some sense of purpose. I wanted to affect people’s lives in some way or another but definitely for the better.

Ok, I don’t want to bore you with my life story but just a few more points I’d like to make before I talk about the main reason I’m writing this post today.

When I got pregnant it changed my whole life. When Andrew was born, I decided it was best to stay at home with him (financially it was better because we’d spend more money on childcare than what I’d bring home on my paycheck). Boy did that turn my world upside down. I went from taking care of myself, making my own money, doing what I wanted to do to now relying (and trusting) on my husband to bring in the cash, having to take care of myself, a new baby and a husband and having my whole world revolve around my new little creation. To top all of that, I was newly married and had to give up what I loved to do- SCUBA dive.

The first few months were rough on me and I sort of got into a deep slump where I felt worthless and that I wasn’t going to do anything with my life. I felt like a lion trapped in a cage. I felt I had no sense of purpose or direction and everything was falling out of control. Fortunately, as time went on things got better (things do get better in time, you just have to be patient). Andrew became more social and not just an eating, pooping, sleeping machine. I became better at being a mother and I started to learn to truly trust Scott. At that point though I still was having a hard time accepting my new job as a stay at home mom. All I wanted to do was get back to work and do what I loved to do. I soon learned that what I once loved to do was not fit for a family life which made things very hard on my mind and heart.

I needed to be passionate about something since diving was not on the menu at the moment and learning about traditional eating became that passion. One of our biggest blessings was the discovery of the traditional diet. We’ve transitioned into it beautifully and now it just feels normal. I like reading blogs of other people who live and eat the traditional way because it teaches me a lot. One of the main things I’ve noticed throughout the blogs is the fact that most of these mom’s home school their children. The thought of home schooling came across my mind for a brief moment here and there but nothing like how it’s engulfing my brain at this very present moment.

Thinking about home schooling Andrew makes me excited, anxious, nervous, overwhelmed, scared. Scared because I’m only 22. Most of the people I went to high school with have graduated college and are on their way to doing things with their life. I haven’t gone to college but I am a certified SCUBA diving Instructor (that’s my idea of college anyway.) Sometimes you can’t help but compare yourself to other people and think, well, am I going to be successful? Going back to having that desire to do something amazing pokes at me and makes me wonder if I would ever get that if I choose to home school my child? Would I feel like I’m not growing to the potential I should be?

But I can’t help and get excited about all the possibilities home schooling has to offer. Like, how amazing it would be to be able to take Andrew to a park to do the daily assignment and while we’re learning about whatever is on the agenda, we’re also learning about what’s happening around us- the birds, the trees, the fresh air. We can focus on education when it’s time and than we can explore when we’re done.

I think with homeschooling there is more time to do extra curricular things. Think about it, in a normal school day, a child is in school for an average of 8 hours. If a child wants to get involved with anything extra that goes on top of the 8 hours of school plus the time he’d have to spend on doing homework when he got home. By the time that’s all done it’s time to go to bed and do it all over again. Seems monotonous doesn’t it?

What about being able to go at his own pace for subjects? I know we’ve all had a time in our lives where we didn’t understand something and had to move on to the next subject because there was a strict timeline and curriculum the teacher had to meet. Plus, who wants to be the person always asking questions and holding up the class? That can get embarrassing to some and than the desire to learn can quickly diminish. With homeschooling if Andrew is having a hard time on something, we can work on it until he gets it. No skipping things because of a fast paced curriculum. I’d much rather go through Andrew’s frustrations on a subject together and working through it together than him sitting in a classroom, getting frustrated and potentially giving up on learning something.

You may be wondering what Scott has to say about all of this? He thinks it’s a great idea too! He said it would be wonderful to have me teach him as long as my happiness was being fulfilled too. Don’t I have an amazing husband?

I’m learning that being a mother is one of the hardest jobs in the world- let alone being a stay at home mom. I have a feeling it’s going to get better and easier with time although I know new challenges will always arise. I know there will be days that will be better than some and worse than others but I think the bigger picture is what needs to be looked at here.

I’ve been so stuck on this idea of doing something big and grand in my life that I have failed to realize the biggest and grandest of all is something that’s already been created- Andrew. I’m also realizing that being able to have the opportunity to educate my child, prepare him for life and ensure he goes on to have a successful life is probably the biggest form of success, purpose and satisfaction one could have. 

Until next time,
Loriel – Healthy Roots, Happy Soul 

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